Creative projects, inspiring humans and art. Teaching and performing, riding bikes and taking naps. What will any of this become?
I don't know.
It may become nothing. It may serve merely to provide hope. Provoke creativity, or to provide friction for growth. I am inspired to birth something new.
I'm starting to see it. I want to panic that it's not moving fast enough. I want to doubt that it will hold any appeal. I crave the fear that allows me to make excuses and put my ideas away while staying safe.
But. I am not who I used to be. I am acknowledging who I've become.
I have learned to stay in action. I find the courage to change the things I can.
I throw many darts at life's board.
I keep moving. Praying. Letting go. Reporting. Witnessing. Breathing sober breath.
I used to sit on the floor and dump out my collection of "I don't know's" and rummage through them into the wee hours of the morning as if properly arranging fiction and nothingness might make manifest some truth. I might find something in nothing. Oh the energy I have wasted in worry, thought, and projection rather than in action.
I'm not mad at myself.
I am proud of myself. I am proud of you too. It's uncomfortable to learn new things at times. The older we get, the fuller our arms are of 'just the way I am's'. The only way we can accept new information is to put parts of ourselves down. Mom taught me that. But I think this is true too.
I can't hold both comfortably. Arms full. I choose new. I feel it's value. So I let go.
Not easy stuff. Old dog. New. Tricks. Meow.
What will any of this become? I don't know. And I won't rummage through the not knowing.
I show up. I pray for others. I live mindfully. I play.
Like a child, I anticipate.
More shall be revealed.