Let go absolutely

Over the last four months I have been on this road to improving my online presence. I hired a web developer from Bangladesh, then someone from Walnut Creek to design a cleaner site – finally I decided to do it myself.


What I’ve realized is that I can pay someone to build a website and it will work, but a very special designer could truly capture me. OR, I might find someone who truly understands my deal but can’t build great sites.

I’ve had some pretty fantastic-looking sites over the past 90 days, but I need to be able to manipulate them. I need to be able to get into the backend and update video, audio, blogs. I am no developer but I know my way around just enough to spend an entire day tinkering and never getting anything done. It’s so frustrating. I don’t want to build a website. I want to really start creating content through writing, podcast and video. I want to build community!

I thought the lessons I was supposed to be learning were to delegate, or value to value myself enough to invest in the product, or…My original freelancer built a site with all sorts of fancy widgets and database-driven-styles… If I changed one thing the whole site fell apart. I’d have to spend hours looking for the origin of the style and I had a hell of a time finding it. So ultimately I took all of the ‘super-easy’ plug-ins I paid a freelancer to install and I wiped the site clean. Basic. I started from scratch. I want to sell my first book, write my second book, and create cool stuff with others in collaboration. I want to create stuff that interests me, helps others and is easy to update.

I thought the lessons I was supposed to be learning were to delegate, or to value myself enough to invest in the product, or… I really thought I was in this so I’d learn to stop doing everything myself, value myself and my time enough to hire a web designer so that I could focus on writing. I diagnosed delegating tasks as my weakness.

There has been a quiet whisper over the last several months, one that has been telling me the true thorn in my side with all of this was getting my old blogs to transfer out of WIX so I could make a prettier site. That is what began the whole headache.

I’ve gone in circle after circle after circle and I believe I have learned what I need to learn. I do not need to bring all of my previous blogs and media to this site, to this iteration of myself.

The result was nil until we let go absolutely.No. This website I sought to build, the amazing presentation of ME that I dreamed of ending up with doesn’t matter. It’s an exercise of distracting myself from doing the real creating. The gift I have is writing and inspiring. The tool I have is language. This site need not be sexy.

The site will be simple, and the content generation begins today. I can’t take yesterday into today and have room for the amazing tomorrows I have in store. I’m starting over. The site is perfect now. Simple. Full of words. What a relief. I was only seeking relief. The result was nil until we let go absolutely.


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