People who hurt can hurt you, too.

Anger is a secondary emotion - pain lives beneath it. As a helper, kindness and limited contact is all we can offer.

In all of my talk about love and personal accountability, spirituality and responsibility, I've neglected a critical topic. Boundaries. Many helpers need to develop them just as much as those being helped. The very compassion that leads one into a helping profession can be the same pivot point that allows for their demise. A helper must understand where the line is drawn between what they can do and what they can't do.

Intellectually this sounds obvious to me as I write it. This past year has taught me that in practice, it is anything but easy to do. Many people in this world are in tremendous emotional pain. I've learned through talking with those who have experienced incarceration, childhood sexual abuse, trafficking, homelessness and/or addiction, that for many of these people there was never a solid foundation put in place.

We speak of Second Chances, but as I listen to many of these folks ricochet through their life story, it becomes apparent that there was hardly a first chance. There was a fear, a resentment, and unworthiness planted within their developing psyche early on that never got challenged. They may have felt alone, they may have been exploited sexually, they may have had addicted parents who were physically present but not capable of providing developmental support for the child. There was little FIRST CHANCE, and then their bodies grew up around them and the inadequately developed or matured person looked like an adult and was expected to behave like one.

We seek belonging where we can find it. We all do. It's human nature.

We develop coping strategies to survive. We all do. It's human nature.

Many of us outgrow the ones that don't serve our personal development because we have people in our lives who demonstrate that we need to change. We have people in our lives who we aspire to be like - who model a different way. We have a hand to hold. An ear that doesn't judge when we cry.

We have a bed to sleep in where bullets don't fly and we don't need to sleep with one eye open looking out for the shadow of a perpetrator who will climb on top of our small body. Many of us were able to pull the pin out that kept us stuck in a time that scared us. We have had corrective experiences with family or society that have taught us that many of our fears are not always going to be true.

What if the people in our lives only show us one thing?

What if every fear we acquired as children is reinforced repeatedly throughout our lives?

What if we have no hand to hold that doesn't want something in return?

What if the ears we have access to judge us and call us names and leave us feeling worse than before we developed the courage to speak our pain?

What if we never experience corrective scenarios and as far as we can see, all investment of self is worthless because it always ends up the same. Lacking. Scary. Alone.

First chances. Second chances. Us. Them. We...

Boundaries are important because when some of us make it out of the pain, we are driven to help others. Then, like me, we can discover that our boundaries need work. Self regulation must be revisited.

People who are hurting can hurt you too. Defining your own worth and limits is critical for all of us. It seems obvious as I write this, but yesterday as I was standing in the middle of the street being screamed at and told to GO AWAY, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE from someone I've been trying for over a year to get into an environment that will care for them, it became so clear. I've had enough.

I cannot penetrate the hopelessness that some have acquired in their lives. I cannot improve the life of someone who has been so repeatedly disappointed and let down that their pain surges from their mouth like a megaphone of ugly words directed at me.

It's enough to know that they are hurting and not to respond to their anger with anything but kindness. It's enough to say words they are not accustomed to hearing, like "I see you are hurting, and I'm sorry." and "I love you". I hand you and your pain over to the one who can affect it, I will pray. It has to be enough.

Thank you for teaching me that I am not God.

Again.

Thank you for teaching me that my peace is valuable and hard won.

Thank you for fighting for your life so that I can see what I am capable of if I slip back into that pain.

I see you are hurting. I love you. And, I must go.

DAILY PRACTICE challenge:

Do not engage with pain or anger except for meeting it with love. See it for what it is and show it love. One Day when you aren’t watching, perhaps it will find the courage to transform.

I pray. I show up to their pain and I show it LOVE. Then I must turn my attention to someone who is willing to participate in their own growth. I must spend the balance of my time with those who are open to my help. Amen.